The Adventures of the Cullens
by RageBekka
Summary: What happens when you put the Cullens into slightly comical situations? Read and find out! R&R. My first one, so please don't be harsh. Remember, I LOVE YOU!
1. Edward and the Ants

Edward Cullen quietly stepped out into the the meadow he knew as his own.

The slightest of smiles crossed his face as he ignored the voices of many forest creatures.

"Please don't step on me," a quiet yet extremely squeaky voice said from below him.

He looked down and saw to his amusement, a small lady bug. "No worries today little friend, I won't be stepping on you!"

The bug didn't do anything.

Edward continued to just stare at the bug.

"Oh god, why does it keep staring?" The lady bug flew off.

"Bye!" Edward waved at the bug.

He gave a quiet hum as he began to strut forward at a human pace, "Today, the world is mine!" He gave a gleeful laugh.

That's when he heard it.

The quiet screams of those in pain.

Of those dying.

And he knew it was all his fault.

"Nooooo!"

"My baby!"

"Oh cool, a dead body-AHHH!"

"Ayyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeee!"

"Oh no!"

"My leg!"

He looked down to see that he had stepped on a pile of ants.

"My friends! I'm so sorry!" He gave a dry sob, and fell to his knees. His hands picked up a mound of dirt where the ants fled down his hands and arms.

One of the ants stopped on the tip of his finger, turned, and stared at him.

"What the hell man?"

Edward gave another dry sob, "You've no idea how truly sorry I am."

Three other ants perched on the ends of his fingers, and he reached out to pet one, just to pet. But beneath his finger, he accidentally crushed it's body.

"Oh my god, you killed Kenny-ant! You bastard!"

And so, Edward would never be the same again. 


	2. Edward and the Puppy

Edward Cullen quietly held onto the squirming puppy. It was attempting in vain to get away, it tried biting, squirming, peeing, farting, and many other puppy ways of getting lose.

But still, Edward held on to it.

"Damnit, let me go, you smell!"

Edward laughed and began to pet the small puppy.

"I shall call you...," Edward looked around for some inspirational thing to call it.

"Umm, I shall call you Prison."

The puppy stopped squirming and looked up at him, "What the...?"

Edward grinned and sprinted as fast as his vampire speed could carry him home.

Alice was standing outside the Cullen home, bouncing with excitement.

Edward was in front of her in a flash, grinning like a mad man.

Alice took the puppy from him, "I shall call you Petunia!"

Edward blinked, "It's name is Prison."

"Nut uh."

"Yuh huh."

"Nope."

"Yep."

"No."

"Yes."

"No!"

"Yes!"

They locked in an intense staring contest

And so they stood, for four days and nights, just staring it out.

Jasper stood off to the side, his bet was on Edward.

Emmett stood beside him, his money was on Alice.

None of them noticed the puppy was gone, as it had somehow managed to wiggle from the grasp of Alice, three days before.

Carlise and Esme, having just returned for a two-week long vacation that was well needed, stared at the two.

Esme turned and whispered to Jasper, "What's this about?"

Jasper only shrugged.

Just then, Edward noticed the puppy was gone, and he cried out, "PRISON!"

And at the same time, Alice has also realized this, "PETUNIA!"

Alice and Edward were never the same again. 


	3. Edward and His Favorite CD

Edward Cullen had never felt so much pain in his life, first he had killed many of his little friends, then had lost his puppy.

He gave a sigh, and quietly fiddled with a CD. It was one of his favorites. The Backstreet Boys very first CD. He spun it on his finger and watched it go around and around.

With another sigh, he pressed the button that made the CD holder of his Stereo come out.

He carefully put the CD into a disk slot, and pushed the button so that it would return to it's original position.

The first song came on and he let out an exhausted sigh.

_**"Everybody groove to the music,  
Everybody jam,  
Ahhh!**_

_**We've been waiting so long, Just can't hold it back no more,  
Creepin' up and down now,  
It's time for me to let it go,  
If you really wanna see ,  
What we can do for you,  
Send the crazy wildin' static, Sing it."**_

Edward's grin could have been infectious, had anyone else been in the room.

He stood, grabbed the brush he used to style his hair every morning, and began to sing along to the Backstreet Boys.

**_"Jam! 'Cause Backstreet's got it,  
Come now everybody,  
We've got it goin' on for years!"_** He froze when he heard familiar voices enter his head.

"Is that the Backstreet Boys?"

"Is that Edward singing the Backstreet Boys?"

He quickly tore towards his stereo, took out the CD, and jammed it into his CD case. He heard the crack and it was a strike to his heart when he realized he'd broken it.

And so, the rest of the Cullen's laughed at him, and Edward was never the same again.


	4. Edward the Angsty, Bella the Thoughtful

Edward Cullen sat at his desk, pen in hand, and wrote in his diary that he had lovingly named Elmo.

**_"Dear Diary,"_** he wrote, his elegant scrawl seemed to appear across the page as if by magic.

**_"Today was awful. I felt like no one understood me. I'm feeling so angsty._**

**_-mental sigh-_**

**_I've had a horrible week._**

**_First I killed a bunch of my little ant buddies._**

**_Then I lost my puppy named PRISON! (Sorry to yell Elmo, but Alice insisted that it should be named Petunia. )_**

**_Then I accidentally broke my favorite Backstreet Boys CD. (I know what you're thinking, that I can just buy another one. But it was a limited edition that they don't sell anymore.)_**

**_When, oh when will things get better for me Elmo? Please tell me._**

**_I love you Elmo,  
Sincerely Edward "Alfalfa" Cullen."_**

Edward sighed for what felt like the millionth time this week, shut, locked, and double locked his diary. Then proceeded to hide it in an ultra secure, ultra strong safe.

There was a soft knock on his door, and he wondered as to who it could be.

"Edward, it's me, Bella, let me in please! I got you something," Edward's eyes lit up, and he made a mental note to mention Bella to Elmo.

He walked over to the door and opened it.

He went over and sat on his couch, waiting for Bella to come and sit by him.

That's when he noticed the small shoebox that she was holding.

"I got this for you," Bella's smile was huge as she sat beside him.

He gave her a curious smile and opened the shoebox slowly.

His eyes went wide when he realized what it was, "Oh my god!" He gave an almost girlish shreik.

Bella made a face and handed him the box.

He opened it fully and took the fish in the little bowl out; he bounced happily, "I shall name you Feeshy."

Bella laughed and patted Edward's head.

"Feeshy!" He yelled and put the fish right beside the couch.

"I think he might be hungry," And as if on cue, the fish began to think about food.

Edward pulled the fish food from the box, and poured a little in the bowl.

"Ooh, some food." The fish known as Feeshy ate everything Edward put in there.

Edward was happy.

Edward was happy for a complete two days.

And he fed Feeshy every hour, on the hour. Feeshy grew and grew.

And everytime Edward fed him, Feeshy would think, "Oooh, some food." Which made him giggle.

Then two days after his beloved Bella had given him the beloved fish known as Feeshy, Feeshy died.

He gave a sob as he poured the fish food into the bowl, "Look Feeshy, some food, please eat." If his tear ducts still worked, then they would be flowing quite freely.

Bella was watching this display with Alice and Rosalie, who just shook their heads sadly.

"What happened?" Bella whispered, knowing that Edward couldn't hear her over his dry sobs.

"He fed Feeshy to death." Bella gave the softest of gasps.

And Edward Cullen, was truly, never the same again.


	5. Emmett and the Birds and the Bees

Emmett Cullen quietly stared at the text of his High School Health Studies book.

He didn't read the text on this page, or any of the other pages. He didn't feel the need to; after all, once you've read one, you've read them all, right? But then again, that was back in the early 1960's…..

What intrigued him about this specific page wasn't the nude model of the female anatomy, (or Male, for that matter) but the picture of an unborn child. Now, had he read a more current Health book, or had simply paid attention to his Health Studies teacher, he would have known where, and how babies were created. But, it was Emmett, after all.

For the rest of the day, that's all Emmett could think about; and so he wondered where babies could possibly come from.

He continued to think about it as he walked out to the Shiny Volvo.

"Edward?" Edward turned to look at him as he lazily leaned against his Volvo.

Edward smiled slightly, "I'll tell you when you're older."

Emmett could only blink at Edward, then turn toward his two other siblings, and wife, "Where do babies come from?"

They all stared at him, then Rosalie spoke, "I really hope you're kidding."

Oh if Emmett could blush.

"I am." He covered his slightly embarrassed posture with a grin, and lightly nudged Rosalie's shoulder, "Only an idiot wouldn't know where babies came from."

Edward smirked at him from over the top of Rosalie's head, and he shot a glare at him.

Edward just turned and got into his Volvo.

When they arrived at home, a short five minutes later, Emmett turned to Alice, "Where do babies come from?" He whispered quietly.

"The stork brings them."

"What's a stork?"

Alice stared at him, "A bird."

"Oh…so babies come from birds."

"Yes Emmett, they do." Alice nodded at him.

He grinned back at her, "Thanks Alice, you're the best!"

She could only just smile in return.

Emmett made his way up to the room that he and Rosalie shared.

"So, I know where babies come from."

She turned her head, "Oh yeah? Where's this?"

"The stork brings them!"

Rosalie snorted, "You should go speak to Carlisle."

Emmett went straight to Carlisle's office.

Carlisle looked up at his adopted vampire son, "Yes Emmett?"

"Where do babies come from?" Carlisle's eyes went wide. He had obviously not expected this at all.

"Well Emmett, you see, when a man and a woman really love each other…..well," Carlisle shook his head slightly, "Let me start again. Now I'm going to tell you a little story called the Birds and the Bees."

Emmett's eyes were wide as he walked out into the hallway. Not only had Carlisle told him where babies came from, but he had pulled books out and showed just exactly how it had happened, and he'd even painted word pictures in his head.

Emmett was traumatized.

Edward, Alice, Rosalie, and Jasper all laughed at the look on his face.

He looked at Rosalie, shook his head, "I'm gonna…go out for a bit."

And that's how Carlisle traumatized his adopted son.

(A/N: I blame mood swings for this one, it's not my best...well, I don't think I've ever done well, but even I know the difference between good, okay, and just down right crap. And I'll take the third one for this one. TT )


	6. Emmett's Sexy Dance

(A/N: I'd like to thank BellaBaby2813, nikkiRA, and briiittx xhc for the reviews! Thanks! Oh and P.S., this one is dedicated to BellaBaby2813!)

Emmett stood in front of the full-body mirror admiring his handiwork.

He had somehow managed to get some of Rosalie's clothes on without ripping them; he wore a black mini skirt which really left nothing to the imagination, some white high-heels, and a white spaghetti strap top.

He began to strut around the room, but he kept his eyes on the mirror.

With a grin, he picked up a shoe, and began to sing into it.

_**"I'm a Barbie Girl,  
In a Barbie World,  
Life in plastic,  
It's fantastic!"**_

He danced around, wiggled his butt, and performed some moves that could have compared to that of a female entertainer, if you know what I mean.

_**"You can brush my hair, Undress me everywhere!  
Imagination!  
Life is your creation!"**_

He hadn't even noticed that Alice now stood in the doorway with a camcorder.

_**"I'm a blonde,  
Single girl,  
Living in a fantasy world!  
Dress me up,  
Take your ime,  
I'm your dolly!"**_

As he spoke the words, he grabbed his hair and pulled it, yanking himself about.

Alice grinned happily, and continued taping.

**_"You're my doll,  
Rock and roll,  
Feel the glamour and pain!"_**

He shook his butt in the general direction of the camera, then continued still.

"Kiss me here!" He pointed to his chest, "Touch me there!" He pointed to his own butt, "Hanky panky!"

Jasper and Edward had now joined Alice, but they, unlike Alice, couldn't hold in their laughter.

Emmett turned on them slowly, dropped the show, and gasped in shock.

"Now what is so funny?" Emmett yelled as he heard Rosalie's voice, then he sprinted toward the window and jumped.

Rosalie blinked as she looked at the broken window and her three laughing siblings.

Alice showed her the tape, and Rosalie couldn't decide whether to feel bad for the humiliation her husband had just gone through, or be angry that he had ruined some of her clothing.

It took three days for Emmett to finally come back, besides, he needed some more of his clothes, as he'd left his wallet in his pants.

By then, Rosalie had decided she was both amused and angry, and therefore decided she'd get revenge on him by posting the video on Youtube.

**Emmett's Sexy Dance,** as they had named it, made it to the number 1 spot, three weeks running.

And that's how Rosalie got her revenge on Emmett, and it's also why Emmett will no longer go out in public again.


End file.
